Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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