Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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