I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
