I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
My vagina is officially offended.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
