rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
