My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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