im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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