Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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