I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
