i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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