Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
