Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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