Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Randomize
