we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
