We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
