Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
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I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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