she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
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He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
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hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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