I bet he comes in French.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
