Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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