Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
My day in three words: secret purse cake
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Randomize
