just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
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