Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
