I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
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