i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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