I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Randomize
