I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
