this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
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well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
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I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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