Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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