So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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