You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
