So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Three words: puerto rican gang bang
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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