I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
