remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
