So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Panties = found
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
