You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize