We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Randomize
