You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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