i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
