We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
