She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
