Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
