i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
