Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
You've changed since you got that strap on
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
