hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
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