I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Randomize
