My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
