found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Randomize
