your thong is hanging out like whoa
I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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