dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
