I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Randomize
