Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
