First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
