My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
try to milk me bitch
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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