I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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