First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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