Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
